(The Queen's Diamond Jubilee will be accompanied by a concert celebrating British music)
For us Brits who love large sporting events and ageing
monarchs, 2012 is shaping up to be a truly superb year. Short of a proletariat
uprising or a Scottish invasion, it seems 2012 will most likely be defined by the
Olympic Games in London and the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee; the former being a global celebration of sporting prowess with the latter being a celebration of one woman’s
sheer determination not to die. Somehow both of these seemingly disparate
events have been construed to be celebrations of Britishness; like a giant glossy
brochure for our fair island, enticing you to come and admire our disappointing
attempts at sport and our inordinately old undemocratically appointed head of
state. As part of this fantastical orgasm of Britishness, both events are being
accompanied by concerts in which British artists will take centre stage to do
some musical flag waving. The Olympics concert so far boasts Blur, New Order
and The Specials with the rest of the as yet to be announced acts promising to
represent ‘the best of British’, according to the organisers. Similarly the
Queen’s concert has been quick to draw in British talent, with Jessie J’s truly
remarkable fringe making an appearance alongside less fringy acts such as Tom
Jones and Elton John. Kylie Minogue will also be singing for the Queen, in a
symbolic gesture reinforcing the penal colony of Australia’s continued subservience
to the British Empire. Apparently Gary Barlow and Andrew Lloyd Webber are also
writing a song for the event - what beautiful melodious spawn that act of
musical intercourse will give birth to we can only imagine...
The problem with the billings for both concerts thus far,
however, is that they are trying to present an image of Britishness that does
not really exist. One can imagine these bills were meant to present a view of
Britishness that is contemporary, classic, edgy and cool. Yet when I think of
Britishness the words that most spring to mind are, repressed, eccentric, disappointed
and cross. With that in mind here is the first part of my alternative festival
billing representing ‘the Best of British’ for consideration by the Olympics
Committee, the BBC and just about anyone who cares for my inane chatter.
Opening Slot
Napalm Death
What better way to start a celebration of Britishness than
with Birmingham’s finest, Napalm Death. Pioneers of an extreme metal sub-genre
known as Grindcore, Napalm Death represent the continuation of a long line of
British innovators going back to Alexander Graham Bell and Isaac Newton. In the
spirit of the Olympics, Napalm Death were once world record holders themselves,
albeit for penning the shortest song ever recorded (a two second blast entitled
‘You Suffer.’) With such a vast back
catalogue of classics, such as ‘Scum’, ‘Human Garbage’ and ‘Conservative Shithead’,
it’s hard to imagine anyone not having a good time.
(Napalm Death - When All Is Said and Done)
Mid-Afternoon Slots
Jethro Tull
With both the Olympic and Jubilee concerts feeling the need to celebrate the success of British Urban artists, I can’t help but feel that
rural Britain is being poorly underrepresented. With this in mind, progressive
folk-rockers Jethro Tull would be the perfect addition to any music festival purporting
to be a celebration of Britishness. Taking their name from an agricultural
pioneer from Norfolk, Jethro Tull have long celebrated the merits of the British
countryside. From penning odes to farming, such as ‘Heavy Horses,’ to singing
songs about wooded areas, ‘Songs from the Wood,’ Jethro Tull are the musical
embodiment of rural Britain. Jethro Tull also wrote a song called ‘Thick as a
Brick’ which should we ever need a new national anthem would be the natural contender.
(Jethro Tull - Songs From the Woods)
Manic Street
Preachers
Whilst I have nothing but respect and admiration for Sir Tom
Jones, it seems a shame that he constantly hogs the ‘token Welsh artist’ slot
at any festival purporting to be a celebration of Britishness. Far better to give
the Manic Street Preachers an airing; their angry hymns to Welsh working class
life would prove a nice counterpoint to the saccharine mush of Take That. Also,
tracks like ‘Repeat’, with its lyrical refrain of “fuck Queen and country...
dumb flag scum,” would surely prove popular with the whole Windsor family.
(Manic Street Preachers - Revol)
Cradle of Filth
Although frequently
derided in both the mainstream and alternative press, Cradle of Filth are
something of a British institution and should be celebrated as such. For one,
they are the highest selling Black Metal band of all time – a British achievement
we can all be proud of. Their global success has resulted in Cradle of Filth
being international ambassadors for Britain. Songs such as ‘Gilded Cunt’ and ‘Shat
out of Hell’ successfully combine epic Black Metal melodies with British
lyrical sensibilities and are avidly consumed by an international audience. Despite
all the sensationalist hyperbole, Cradle of Filth have always embodied a
certain dark strand of the British psyche, from the dark romanticism of Byron
and Shelley to the black humour of Monty Python, Cradle of Filth are
disgusting, offensive and very British.
(Cradle of Filth - Gilded Cunt)
To be continued... (possibly)
